Remnants. Wounds. Pain. Healing. [Raw]

Originally written: September 23, 2010

My beautiful family ~ April 2007

As I sit down and let myself reflect and think upon the last few months of my life, I take a deep breath in and out, close my eyes, lean my head back against the wall and let the quiet tears in my heart come to the surface. I slowly pull the band-aid off the broken pieces of my heart and allow myself to look inside these deep wounds I’ve tried to cover up many different ways. As optimists, we may have begun to think that I am being strong after the loss of my mom and that my heart is healing. We are wrong. So wrong. My wounds are open. They are deep, and they hurt. I’m ready to share them with you in their true authenticity.

It’s almost been a month since I arrived home from my Peruvian adventures, yet I haven’t given myself time to stop and reflect. Life moves too fast. I need to brake and catch my breath before I hit overdrive. With school just around the corner for me, I feel like I need to gear up and get my life going even faster. But after some contemplation I decided that this year is actually going to be different. It’s going to be more about me and less about the things that I am involved in. More about spending time with friends, with God, and with others on campus and less about going, going, going. I have seen and experienced how short life can be and I’m ready to use every minute of it for God’s glory, and part of that includes being refreshed and revived – giving myself time to sleep, breathe, and eat so that I can approach each day with a mind that is ready to go and ready to experience each adventure that God puts in front of me, not one that is fogged up with a never-ending to-do list.

It wasn’t until I received a touching email from my teacher that I realized I had made the right decision to finish out my study abroad trip this summer. I read and re-read this email, contemplated the things he said, denied them for a bit, and then began to take them for what they were worth. I let the truths of his email set in, I let the words on the computer screen etch into my soul, reminding me of who I am. I was reminded that I am loved. Even though he is not a believer in Jesus Christ, he saw love in my life and in my heart. I reflected on the love that God showered upon me during that trip through the form of humanly love from those around me. I was loved. I am loved. God chose to love me (and you!). I am reflecting once again on the people that experienced Peru with me. Those who walked through the jungle with me, who hiked the mountains with me, and who danced under the stars with me. It was a trip of a lifetime, especially for me. I most definitely experienced healing while I was there.  I suffered many days of wanting hugs from my family, needing a prayer from my dad, and smiles from my brothers, but most of all, I needed God and He showed up there, in Peru, throughout my journey in a foreign country in the form of peace that surpasses my understanding (Phillipians 4:7); as well as in the form of joy flowing from my life; as well as in the form of love that flowed out from my peers. I had fun, I danced, I spoke verrrry broken Spanish, and I laughed A LOT. I experienced a new culture, I saw more of who I am and who I am not. I was given journal prompts in class that forced me to dig into my life and break down walls I had put up. I revisited the week in the beginning of May that we spent in the hospital with my mom. I revisited the tears I shed that week and the emotions that surrounded those times. And most importantly, I opened the doors of my childhood memories and revisited the precious time I spent with my mom. I now understand when people say time is short, hold on to your loved ones, cherish every moment. I see that and I feel that and I want to express that to others.

 Soon after coming back to the States, one of the most influential boys I have ever been given the privilege to know passed away. This is Riley Spiering, the brother of one of my best friends and a precious servant of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Riley, like my mom, passed away from the ever-increasing number of cancer cells that overtook his body. The amazing thing about this boy is that he never gave up fighting and constantly strove to please the Lord. Riley knew Jesus personally and treasured that above all else. I have learned so much through his life, his story, and his love that has changed me as a person.

Through experiencing the love and joy that both my mom and Riley displayed during their short years on this earth, one 52 and the other 12, I have come to know in a more real way than ever before, that life is about nothing short of LOVE. As I continue to grieve for my beloved mother, I open my heart to healing and restoration so that I can love and live the way she taught me to, with strength and trust in God.

I’m learning a lot about strength and the weakness that comes with it. For some reason, strength does not actually require holding everything together and not letting life fall apart, but more so it requires picking yourself up when life gets hard, washing your face each day to cleanse the dried tears from the night before, and allowing others to walk beside you during a painful time – allowing them to pick up your slack – allowing them into your life, your heart, and most importantly letting them see your wounds. Riley taught me parts of this, in short because it was through his weak body that his strength and trust in the Lord grew exponentially and lead others to come to know Jesus. I am not good at this, no one in my family is. We like to see our strength as getting through this time the best we can. Picking back up the motions we have grown accustomed to, day in and day out. This is the most crucial part of our time as a family, whether we let ourselves continue to enter into each other’s pains or whether we shut each other out and go back to pretending we have life all figured out and don’t really need each other. I’m guilty, so soguilty of making myself appear as if I have it all together. As if I can make it through these tough times alone, just me and God. Truth is, I can’t. Truth is, I’m afraid to trust God. Truth is, I know God’s love and I am experiencing a supernatural peace that He has given to me these past few months but I’m still more afraid than ever. Truth is, I’m afraid to trust anyone. Truth is, I’m afraid to trust myself to look inside my heart and find the places that need immediate attention. Truth is, I don’t know where to start. Truth is, I miss my mom. But the biggest truth is, I am weak and I need help and I cannot do this on my own. And that took a lot of strength for me to admit that to myself, to you, to God, and to everyone else that might be reading this. I would much rather curl my emotions back up in a ball and stuff them deep down into a corner of my heart and just continue with the progressive life that lays before me. I would rather you think that I have it all together because each band-aid that I remove, each wound that meets the fresh air, each drop of benzyl-peroxide that bubbles inside hurts  me more than before. But in the end it is worth it. The cleansing leads to healing and the healing leads to living, which makes this entire process worth the pain, the weakness, and the strength. I want to ask you, as my friends, to join along side of me through this journey and open up your own hearts, look for your own wounds that may have not healed properly and let others see your pain and struggles. With the help of each other and the loving hand of our sovereign God upon our lives, each step we take is a step towards restoration.

I’ve taken up a new hobby – painting. It is interesting the inspirations that I get for my new paintings. Some come from nature, from friends, or from things I randomly see happening in life. I have always loved my crafts and taking that time as a mental and emotional escape, focusing intently on the project at hand. This painting thing of mine combines that along with freeing my mind into each brush stroke I take. It is something that is not planned, that transforms itself as I let go of the burdens of life and offer them up to the Lord through prayer. The finished product is rarely what I intended it to be yet it is beautiful nonetheless because each represents the freedom of my too-often tightly constrained thoughts. I’m hoping I can also paint my wounds and use this time to discover more of what is inside my heart.

I’m trying to find a safe place. Somewhere I can let all of my thoughts wander, as deep or as shallow as they might be, I think it is important for this to happen so that I don’t miss any opportunity to see what my soul is calling out for. Right now it is calling out for my mom. I miss her so much and it is finally starting to really sink in that she is no longer on this earth. Through the reality of Riley’s passing, the reality of my mom’s became clearer to me. I am beginning to realize it is not a dream nor a make believe world I am living in, but one of love and truth and peace given by God to those of us who run to Him while we live in this broken, messed up world. To think that my mom is no longer experiencing pain but rather soaking up the glory of God for all its worth is a beautiful picture to me. For us here on earth it really sucks. We miss her, we ache for her, we long for her. We need her to keep our lives in line. I just want one more hug from her. I want to laugh and skip and be silly just for one more afternoon. I want to be in her presence. I want her to tell me everything will be just fine. I want, I want, I want. And then I remember, I have Jesus. The greatest comforter of all. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.”  –2 Corinthians 1:3. And I remember that all these things that I WANT are all about me and my selfish desires. I take a step back and think of the beautiful place she is now living in. Somewhere I cannot even imagine, where the streets are lined with gold and praises to God are sung day and night. She is in heaven. My dearest mother is in heaven, where love abounds. “Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” –Revelations 7:16-17. She lived a good life. She pushed harder than anyone I know to be strong for our family. She loved well and she fought well. She fought a long, long battle with cancer without ever entering the hospital until her final week of life. She accepted Jesus and was welcomed into the everlasting kingdom of God by angels that rejoiced at her decision to follow Christ. Yet here I am, on earth, wanting her back with me in this sinful, destructive world. I pray that I can come to grips with this loss of mine and that I can rejoice even through my sorrows because Jesus has overcome the world. He has saved us from our sin; he took the punishment for us so that people like you and me and my mom and Riley Spiering can know the authentic love of God and spend eternity with the One who created us. The One who knit us together in our mother’s womb, knows our innermost thoughts and desires, even the most wretched of those, and yet still loves us anyways, still died for us, and still accepts us when we run to Him. Wow. I am breathless. The love of a Savior like that is what my mom is basking in for eternity and through my tears and while my soul is downcast, I will smile internally because I know she is now safe in the arms of Jesus Christ forever.

As I explore the depths of my soul, I long to not cover my wounds up with anything other than the Word of God. I know that as a human, I desire love and search for that in many things that are temporary. I want to keep the healing process as organic as possible and am going to try to recognize the things that I am using as feel-good band-aids. I pray that God would reveal to me the things that I am using as a crutch for good and for bad. He has already shown me a few, but I want to see more.  I know temporary band-aids will help with the pain for now, but once they go away I will be left with the same hurt and pain as before. I know that organic healing will hurt as I continue to expose my raw wounds to fresh air, but that is what I am striving for. I also know that this organic healing will produce strength in my character and a trust in the Lord that I am lacking right now. As I continue to lean on God during this time of pain and healing, I thank Him for the friends and family that He has tangibly given me for support as well. Here I go, off to explore. Off to live my life and take each day as it comes. Off to strengthen myself by being weak and allowing God to hold me up. Off to be with my wonderful family and friends.