Reality.

One year has passed. One year. Just one hour and four minutes short of an exact 365 days of living without my dearest mother. My heart is still broken, still in pieces, and still crushed by the weight of death. I have been hit hard by the reality that life on earth is precious and not a day can be taken for granted. It has been said that God can mend broken hearts. While I believe that to be true, I have experienced a different side of this reality within the past year. God has drawn me close to His arms, held me tight, and offered a love that no one else can give. But I do believe that although we want to see healing right now, we must wait until the Lord comes back to reign. I have been given a picture in my mind of God stitching up my heart with His all-powerful hand resting on top of the stitches, ensuring that they stay in place until my Savior comes back or until I reach the gates of heaven. At this point I see my heart - not my physical beating heart, but rather the depths of my soul - being complete; I see Jesus' touch restoring every broken, bruised, and beaten part of my heart to the perfect and holy instrument that God made it to be. I see purity, I see strength, I see humility, and I see that same soul bowing at the feet of healer, my redeemer. While yes, we are able to experience a part of this supernatural healing on earth, it is not until we are face to face with the glorious one that we will be completely set right - in EVERY aspect of our lives. Isn't that amazing to look forward to? I see my mom dancing with not even a miniscule micrometer of cancer attacking her body. I see Riley singing - also cancer free! I see Mrs. Littlefield laughing, again, without any cancer coming near her. And I see all these lovely people bringing nothing but glory to God! I long for this. I wait for this. I pray for this - for each of you as well as for myself. I see my mom skipping along streets of gold, with her hand open, waiting for Carol to join her in her silly escapades, (maybe skipping along the beach boardwalks if there are any in heaven!) I see her laughing and praising the Lord. I see her longing to share with us how wonderful it is to bask in the glory of God.

       Every day we celebrate and mourn the life and loss of my mother, but today and tomorrow we have set aside time to openly remember the woman we love so much in a few special ways. Within the past year we have grieved, we have hurt, we have closed up our hearts and learned how to open them up again. I, myself, have been given quite a few challenges. About five weeks after my mom passed away I journeyed off to Peru with a study abroad group from my college. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. It was hard to be away from my family for almost seven weeks and learn to grieve on my own. You can read many of my other blog posts to see how I was changed during my time abroad. I returned back to San Luis Obispo to continue towards my bachelor's degree in Nutrition. At times it was easier to be away from home and away from the memories of my mom. I was able to put up walls to keep myself "strong". Those lines of defense are slowly coming down, one by one. I was able to open up to a few beautiful girls who continually brought me back to Jesus week after week in discipleship. I opened up, I closed up, and I huddled my feeling into a ball until another person came into my life to help open me up again. Many days I woke up not wanting to face the reality of life - the reality of having to step foot into this world without my mother and best friend. She was everything to me: my best friend, my mentor, my help in trouble, and the one I looked up to.

(((Digressing back into the past a little bit, something that my blog-readers may not know is that I also have had to mourn the loss of a real good friend, one that I considered my best and my other half. This mourning was different because she chose to step out of my life. I am not talking about my mom and I am not talking about death. I am talking about a friend who, without any notice or reason, decided she was better off without me and many others who were once close with her. This happened shortly before my mom passed and my mom kept telling me that this friend would come back. She never did. What a painful feeling to have two of the most important people in my life just disappear - both without notice.)))

       Back to my story, day after day I loathed the alarm. I despised the time at which the sun would come up over San Luis Obispo and call everyone off to another day. Many times I skipped class, not being able to come to terms with the reality of life. It was easier to stay in bed and deny all association with grief. Only a few times when none of my roommates were home was I able to let it all out and cry to God. Even though I was surrounded by friends, roommates, and students, I pushed myself back in retreat of all things of reality. This lasted for about a month or so. God kept nudging at my soul, pleading for me to let Him back in, to let Him comfort me. Some days I would let him. Other days I thought there was nothing anyone could do - even God Almighty. Looking back on all of this, it was the most necessary thing for me to go through. I realize many things could have been different and I could have let others in, let them help me. Heck, I could have let God help me. On the few instances/moments/days that I let them help, I felt so vulnerable and weak that I retreated again and pushed everyone away. It would be easy to say that I regret all of that, but I actually don't. It was hard, it still is hard, but it was real. All I wanted was for someone, anyone, to push through my walls and rescue me. Slowly, I let God be the one to do that since no one else was. [In retrospect I know God was the only one who could help me.] Depression? Maybe a little bit. I was hurt by the lack of anything from those around me. I felt like I was unable to talk about my mom because it made others uncomfortable. No one ever knew what to say, so I tried to avoid that for the sake of others, but really everything I wanted to do was talk about my mom. [I still do and I am still learning how to get rid of many walls I have up.]

       Come November, I started hanging out with a few more people, one of whom pursued me in ways more than a friend. Although I didn't think I was ready for this kind of relationship, the Lord used my dear grandmother to help me see otherwise. When is anyone REALLY ready to date? Probably about the same time that humans perfect flawlessness. Uh... never... With a few words of wisdom from Grandma, I returned to San Luis Obispo with more of an open mind. Days progressed, weeks progressed, and our relationship progressed. What I saw in this man of God was everything that I had ever prayed for in a man.
That same November, while one brother was in Marine bootcamp, I was able to see my other brother go through a "blessing ceremony". It was a special service where my dad was able to publicly give his blessing over Daniel's life as well as ask for God's blessing over his smart, tall, and handsome son. This service took place after Daniel went through training of learning to be a warrior for God. My dad gave Daniel some words of affirmation that I am sure will stay with Dan for the rest of his life. Many other fathers (or significant male role-models) were able to do the same thing at this ceremony for their sons and daughters. It was a beautiful time and Thomas was sad to miss it. While Thomas was in bootcamp, he learned more than many of us ever will. He was faced with emotional and physical battles that I cannot even imagine going through at the same time. Tom was so close with my mom and not having her during the hardest time of his training was really rough on him. I felt so blessed that he wrote to me as often as possible and that we were able to talk about so much through letters. While training at San Diego MCRD as well as Camp Pendleton, Tom learned not only about physical strength but spiritual strength as well. It was there that he got baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. What a wonderful moment. We didn't have the opportunity to experience it with him but it was still so wonderful.

       After Thanksgiving, I bawled my eyes out while my dad held me close to him. It was so hard to have a family gathering without my mom - the life of the party. We all looked to her to bring us together. Even though she wasn't a blood-Ireton, she sure was accepted like one. Having a big family was so important to her and being welcomed into the Ireton family through marriage was something she enjoyed so much. We all kept expecting her to walk around the corner with a huge smile on her face just in time to lift little Brandon up from behind. It never happened though - and that was hard to deal with. That same weekend we went out to Julian which was also hard for us without my mom. Upon returning to San Luis Obispo, I went on my first official date with Mister Spencer Bull. What a gentleman he was...  :) After a beautiful dinner, he took me out to adventure through a ton of rocks (with my cute boots on - quite a task!) to a quiet place where we laid on a huge rock, watched the stars, and listened to the waves crash like thunder against the rocks below us. That is a night I will never forget: a night of beauty, a night of butterflies, and a night of peace -  knowing there was no other place in the world I wanted to be than laying next to him on that rock. Weeks later, after a cute SLO-style Christmas parade, it was official. I was able to call him my boyfriend and soon after I fell in love. Such an unexpected twist in the story of my life that God has written since before my birth!

       Christmas came and went like a gorgeous blink in time. We spent the eve with my dad's family, the morning with our immediate family (minus Thomas who was still at bootcamp), and the afternoon with my mom's family. It was a precious day celebrating the birth of the one who ushered my mom into heaven-everlasting. New Years Eve however was spent with the loving Bull family in central valley of California. A family that accepted me into their house as a mess with a broken heart as I remembered all the traditions of Ireton family New Years Eves, each created by my mother herself. The night that was filled with tears, continuous sobs, and a snot-stained pillow, was a huge marker in the first year of my journey through grief. My boyfriend sat on the floor next to my bed, holding my hand and brushing my hair with his fingertips, his mother held me at midnight while I soaked her hair with my tears of grief, a best friend laid with me, comforting me, and another mother who had never even heard of me before that night rocked me to sleep - sharing the pain of losing her own mother. Once again, I had experienced a mile-marker. I knew this family, this boyfriend, this best friend of mine sent from God as they loved me even with mascara-stained cheeks and a Rudolf-red nose. In one simple night, they had made a lasting impact on my journey to find peace. [Their involvement in my life has not ended there either.]

       Fast-forward a bit, and I have successfully made it through Valentine's Day, Easter, and now the one-year anniversary of my mom's death. As exhausting as this journey has been, my entire family has been held up by the hand of God. And I know this journey is nowhere near over. God has many things to teach me as He molds me into the person He wants me to be. I have learned how to let my walls down little by little. There are so many more to break, though. I want to ask each of you reading this to pray and ask God to continue to demolish my walls. To ask Him to keep me vulnerable and ready to go through what ever hardships may come my direction. I have learned within the passing months that God has not been the one I have turned to first in my walk towards peace. I have turned to many things other than God, and when I find myself down and empty once again, only then do I ask Him for help. I am amazed at His constant readiness to come back to the throne of my life. He has forgiven me countless times and each time He has shown me that He is faithful. I learned that God is nothing like humans. Even though we are made to exhibit some of His qualities, I fall so short of Him and His beauty. God is like nothing I have experienced before, He is so much better! Every day is a new challenge to look to Him for support and strength rather than things of this world. Thank the Lord for His patience with each of us! Blessed be the name of the Lord. He is wonderful and I am covered by His love divine.

       I am not done learning and I am not done failing and I am not done doing wrong, but I am loved by the most patient and most faithful being, ever! Amen for that. Love for eternity. One year has passed, many more are to come, and as I grow and change and learn, I am surrounded by the most beautiful friends and family. Thank you to each of you for being patient with me as well.

Matthew West Survivors

IMMEDIATE PRAYER REQUEST FOR THE MOORE FAMILY.

Hello my dear friends, I have a new friend, Amanda Moore, who is from Cal Poly. We met through one of our teachers and ever since I have been blessed with Amanda's friendship. I want to ask you to pray for her and her dad who is fiercely battling against cancer. He was recently diagnosed with stage four bile duct cancer, which is pretty rare and pretty gnarly.

Mike and Amanda, father and daughter, a bond of deep, deep love.

as of this week, he is back in the hospital because of immense pain and as of this morning he is being urged to start chemo on Monday because otherwise he will have less than a month to live. With the chemo, there is still not much hope within the medical world. but we hope in Jesus Christ who is able to do far more abundantly than we ask and seek. My dear friends and family, as you know I can relate to amanda as I lost my mom and this is such a deep time of pain and heartbreak and confusion. I ask you to join me in praying for Amanda and her family for strength and comfort, and especially for healing for her dad and comfort while he is experiencing immense amounts of pain. let's get on our knees and beg the Lord, plead with me for healing and comfort. while we know that the Lord's will is what is going to prevail, we come to Him knowing that He IS the God of all comfort, the God who heals according to His will to bring Him glory. Pray for the Lord to be near the Moore family as they are in the midst of disbelief and heartbreak. Pray for the Lord to reveal himself to Mr. Moore so that he can intimiately know Jesus. Within the past few weeks, his tumors have increased in size and numbers, and have leaked into abdomen, so it's pretty much all throughout his upper body and gallbladder. I ask you to join me immediately in prayer. I ask you to pray in faith knowing God can do ALL things. I ask you to kneel before our father in Heaven believing that He CAN heal; He CAN provide healing; He CAN touch the heart of Mr. Moore and bring him into His kingdom. We live in a broken world but with a hope towards living eternity within the presence of a holy God. Pray that Mr. Moore would know Jesus TODAY so that he can be ready to run into the arms of Jesus our Lord and Savior if God calls Mr. Moore home this year. Love to you all. Please pass this on to your own fam and friends. -Jen

Remnants. Wounds. Pain. Healing. [Raw]

Originally written: September 23, 2010

My beautiful family ~ April 2007

As I sit down and let myself reflect and think upon the last few months of my life, I take a deep breath in and out, close my eyes, lean my head back against the wall and let the quiet tears in my heart come to the surface. I slowly pull the band-aid off the broken pieces of my heart and allow myself to look inside these deep wounds I’ve tried to cover up many different ways. As optimists, we may have begun to think that I am being strong after the loss of my mom and that my heart is healing. We are wrong. So wrong. My wounds are open. They are deep, and they hurt. I’m ready to share them with you in their true authenticity.

It’s almost been a month since I arrived home from my Peruvian adventures, yet I haven’t given myself time to stop and reflect. Life moves too fast. I need to brake and catch my breath before I hit overdrive. With school just around the corner for me, I feel like I need to gear up and get my life going even faster. But after some contemplation I decided that this year is actually going to be different. It’s going to be more about me and less about the things that I am involved in. More about spending time with friends, with God, and with others on campus and less about going, going, going. I have seen and experienced how short life can be and I’m ready to use every minute of it for God’s glory, and part of that includes being refreshed and revived – giving myself time to sleep, breathe, and eat so that I can approach each day with a mind that is ready to go and ready to experience each adventure that God puts in front of me, not one that is fogged up with a never-ending to-do list.

It wasn’t until I received a touching email from my teacher that I realized I had made the right decision to finish out my study abroad trip this summer. I read and re-read this email, contemplated the things he said, denied them for a bit, and then began to take them for what they were worth. I let the truths of his email set in, I let the words on the computer screen etch into my soul, reminding me of who I am. I was reminded that I am loved. Even though he is not a believer in Jesus Christ, he saw love in my life and in my heart. I reflected on the love that God showered upon me during that trip through the form of humanly love from those around me. I was loved. I am loved. God chose to love me (and you!). I am reflecting once again on the people that experienced Peru with me. Those who walked through the jungle with me, who hiked the mountains with me, and who danced under the stars with me. It was a trip of a lifetime, especially for me. I most definitely experienced healing while I was there.  I suffered many days of wanting hugs from my family, needing a prayer from my dad, and smiles from my brothers, but most of all, I needed God and He showed up there, in Peru, throughout my journey in a foreign country in the form of peace that surpasses my understanding (Phillipians 4:7); as well as in the form of joy flowing from my life; as well as in the form of love that flowed out from my peers. I had fun, I danced, I spoke verrrry broken Spanish, and I laughed A LOT. I experienced a new culture, I saw more of who I am and who I am not. I was given journal prompts in class that forced me to dig into my life and break down walls I had put up. I revisited the week in the beginning of May that we spent in the hospital with my mom. I revisited the tears I shed that week and the emotions that surrounded those times. And most importantly, I opened the doors of my childhood memories and revisited the precious time I spent with my mom. I now understand when people say time is short, hold on to your loved ones, cherish every moment. I see that and I feel that and I want to express that to others.

 Soon after coming back to the States, one of the most influential boys I have ever been given the privilege to know passed away. This is Riley Spiering, the brother of one of my best friends and a precious servant of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Riley, like my mom, passed away from the ever-increasing number of cancer cells that overtook his body. The amazing thing about this boy is that he never gave up fighting and constantly strove to please the Lord. Riley knew Jesus personally and treasured that above all else. I have learned so much through his life, his story, and his love that has changed me as a person.

Through experiencing the love and joy that both my mom and Riley displayed during their short years on this earth, one 52 and the other 12, I have come to know in a more real way than ever before, that life is about nothing short of LOVE. As I continue to grieve for my beloved mother, I open my heart to healing and restoration so that I can love and live the way she taught me to, with strength and trust in God.

I’m learning a lot about strength and the weakness that comes with it. For some reason, strength does not actually require holding everything together and not letting life fall apart, but more so it requires picking yourself up when life gets hard, washing your face each day to cleanse the dried tears from the night before, and allowing others to walk beside you during a painful time – allowing them to pick up your slack – allowing them into your life, your heart, and most importantly letting them see your wounds. Riley taught me parts of this, in short because it was through his weak body that his strength and trust in the Lord grew exponentially and lead others to come to know Jesus. I am not good at this, no one in my family is. We like to see our strength as getting through this time the best we can. Picking back up the motions we have grown accustomed to, day in and day out. This is the most crucial part of our time as a family, whether we let ourselves continue to enter into each other’s pains or whether we shut each other out and go back to pretending we have life all figured out and don’t really need each other. I’m guilty, so soguilty of making myself appear as if I have it all together. As if I can make it through these tough times alone, just me and God. Truth is, I can’t. Truth is, I’m afraid to trust God. Truth is, I know God’s love and I am experiencing a supernatural peace that He has given to me these past few months but I’m still more afraid than ever. Truth is, I’m afraid to trust anyone. Truth is, I’m afraid to trust myself to look inside my heart and find the places that need immediate attention. Truth is, I don’t know where to start. Truth is, I miss my mom. But the biggest truth is, I am weak and I need help and I cannot do this on my own. And that took a lot of strength for me to admit that to myself, to you, to God, and to everyone else that might be reading this. I would much rather curl my emotions back up in a ball and stuff them deep down into a corner of my heart and just continue with the progressive life that lays before me. I would rather you think that I have it all together because each band-aid that I remove, each wound that meets the fresh air, each drop of benzyl-peroxide that bubbles inside hurts  me more than before. But in the end it is worth it. The cleansing leads to healing and the healing leads to living, which makes this entire process worth the pain, the weakness, and the strength. I want to ask you, as my friends, to join along side of me through this journey and open up your own hearts, look for your own wounds that may have not healed properly and let others see your pain and struggles. With the help of each other and the loving hand of our sovereign God upon our lives, each step we take is a step towards restoration.

I’ve taken up a new hobby – painting. It is interesting the inspirations that I get for my new paintings. Some come from nature, from friends, or from things I randomly see happening in life. I have always loved my crafts and taking that time as a mental and emotional escape, focusing intently on the project at hand. This painting thing of mine combines that along with freeing my mind into each brush stroke I take. It is something that is not planned, that transforms itself as I let go of the burdens of life and offer them up to the Lord through prayer. The finished product is rarely what I intended it to be yet it is beautiful nonetheless because each represents the freedom of my too-often tightly constrained thoughts. I’m hoping I can also paint my wounds and use this time to discover more of what is inside my heart.

I’m trying to find a safe place. Somewhere I can let all of my thoughts wander, as deep or as shallow as they might be, I think it is important for this to happen so that I don’t miss any opportunity to see what my soul is calling out for. Right now it is calling out for my mom. I miss her so much and it is finally starting to really sink in that she is no longer on this earth. Through the reality of Riley’s passing, the reality of my mom’s became clearer to me. I am beginning to realize it is not a dream nor a make believe world I am living in, but one of love and truth and peace given by God to those of us who run to Him while we live in this broken, messed up world. To think that my mom is no longer experiencing pain but rather soaking up the glory of God for all its worth is a beautiful picture to me. For us here on earth it really sucks. We miss her, we ache for her, we long for her. We need her to keep our lives in line. I just want one more hug from her. I want to laugh and skip and be silly just for one more afternoon. I want to be in her presence. I want her to tell me everything will be just fine. I want, I want, I want. And then I remember, I have Jesus. The greatest comforter of all. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.”  –2 Corinthians 1:3. And I remember that all these things that I WANT are all about me and my selfish desires. I take a step back and think of the beautiful place she is now living in. Somewhere I cannot even imagine, where the streets are lined with gold and praises to God are sung day and night. She is in heaven. My dearest mother is in heaven, where love abounds. “Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” –Revelations 7:16-17. She lived a good life. She pushed harder than anyone I know to be strong for our family. She loved well and she fought well. She fought a long, long battle with cancer without ever entering the hospital until her final week of life. She accepted Jesus and was welcomed into the everlasting kingdom of God by angels that rejoiced at her decision to follow Christ. Yet here I am, on earth, wanting her back with me in this sinful, destructive world. I pray that I can come to grips with this loss of mine and that I can rejoice even through my sorrows because Jesus has overcome the world. He has saved us from our sin; he took the punishment for us so that people like you and me and my mom and Riley Spiering can know the authentic love of God and spend eternity with the One who created us. The One who knit us together in our mother’s womb, knows our innermost thoughts and desires, even the most wretched of those, and yet still loves us anyways, still died for us, and still accepts us when we run to Him. Wow. I am breathless. The love of a Savior like that is what my mom is basking in for eternity and through my tears and while my soul is downcast, I will smile internally because I know she is now safe in the arms of Jesus Christ forever.

As I explore the depths of my soul, I long to not cover my wounds up with anything other than the Word of God. I know that as a human, I desire love and search for that in many things that are temporary. I want to keep the healing process as organic as possible and am going to try to recognize the things that I am using as feel-good band-aids. I pray that God would reveal to me the things that I am using as a crutch for good and for bad. He has already shown me a few, but I want to see more.  I know temporary band-aids will help with the pain for now, but once they go away I will be left with the same hurt and pain as before. I know that organic healing will hurt as I continue to expose my raw wounds to fresh air, but that is what I am striving for. I also know that this organic healing will produce strength in my character and a trust in the Lord that I am lacking right now. As I continue to lean on God during this time of pain and healing, I thank Him for the friends and family that He has tangibly given me for support as well. Here I go, off to explore. Off to live my life and take each day as it comes. Off to strengthen myself by being weak and allowing God to hold me up. Off to be with my wonderful family and friends.

Two weeks in... (and my Peruvian experiences thus far)

 Originally written: June 29, 2010:

Tipon, Peru

Well here I am, in the beloved city of Cusco, Peru! Today is the two-week marker of my arrival into this foreign country and its been a little under two months since I lost my dearest mother to an unbenounced breast cancer. I´m still not sure why or how I got here – how I boarded that plane and said goodbye to my closest friends and family in the midst of a difficult time in my life or why God is allowing me to be away from my support system when I need them the most… I was looking forward to this trip for years. My family even helped me put money towards it as Christmas presents one year! My mom began to grow a desire for this trip and for me to be able to have an experience that she never got to. Everything was pushing towards this trip and with one, small, two-lettered word, everyone around me would have understood if I decided not to go. Yet there was nothing inside of me that was telling me to say no, nothing that was holding me back. My friends and family were ready to support me in whichever decision I made regarding this trip. Yet to me, it didn´t feel like there were any deciding factors. This is what was planned, and this is what I was going to do. My brothers and my dad reinforced that my study abroad program was something that my mom still would have wanted me to do. This was it, there was not much questioning about it, I had to go. Everything inside of me longed for this experience. I waited and waited for the Lord to tell me to stay in San Diego, to take care of my family, and to be in the arms of my support group, but as I waited on Him, the Lord continued to grow a desire within me to leave the country. So I guess that´s how I am here… The packing, the traveling, the goodbyes are all a blur to me. If it had been any different though, I may not have left.

So here I am. Back to the reason I came on here: to update my loveliest family and friends about my experiences in this foreign place. Sorry that I haven´t updated sooner, I was sick from my arrival in Peru until almost a week later. I came down with a fever and a nasty cold, and even lost my voice! Sickness sucks and we all are bound to get it while we are here in Peru, but being sick the first week is the worst. I didn´t have the desire to talk to people and make new friends, all I wanted was sleep sleep sleep! And then when I was feeling better, I lost my voice so I literally could not meet new people! Haha. Oh my life.

Let´s fast-forward to the next week, when I was feeling better! Class days are soooo long! We go from 9am to 1pm and then walk home for lunch and have to be back at school by 3pm until 7pm! (That´s what I get to look forward to tomorrow on my birthday – bleh!) We have four hours of Spanish, which I am really enjoying, but my Spanish still needs so much work. At our host family house, Jax (my roommate) and I play charades with the family in order to communicate words that we don´t know. It´s actually quite humorous. Thank goodness about half of our class days are over and we have a lot more trips and community service projects coming up. We visited a few cool historical sites, Sacsaywaman, Tipon, Pisac, and some other one I can´t remember the name. They all have original building left by the Inca´s and it is interesting to see how stinking smart these people were. We have learned a lot of the Spanish conquest over the Incans and how brutal they were in forcing their religion upon them. It makes me sad that Christianity/ Catholicism is known in this way. I have experienced the love of God in such a different way and I can only imagine how sad it made our Lord when He saw His name and the Bible be used in such a destructive way. 

We also hiked up to this mountain to see the festival of Inti Raymi! It is the festival of their “sun god” and is a big production in Cusco, people come from all over to see it. We sat in the smoldering hot sun for about 5 hours until it started. There were more people than I have EVER seen in my life! (and I live in san diego, the city of the masses!) Hopefully I can figure out how to put up pictures of the hillsides that were covered with people. Once the festival started, some people stood up to watch and others around us decided to yell “sientense” which means to sit down in Spanish. They threw water bottles, tomatoes, watermelon, and rocks! It was nuts. Pretty soon after everyone stood up and was pushing and shoving to the front. We thought we were going to die so we eventually left and walked back down to the main plaza. Now we tell everyone that Inti Raymi contuve muchas personas locas! Haha.

The other night, since I was finally feeling better, Jax and I got to experience a real “discoteca” which is what they call their clubs. Almost all 30 students from Cal Poly met up at the plaza (their downtown area) and went out together. It was so much fun and we danced the night away together. It wasn´t sketchy like I thought it was going to be, especially since we had such a big group together. Tonight we are going out to dinner to celebrate my birthday since we can´t tomorrow night because of school. It´s also another girl on the trip, Diana´s birthday too! We both fell in love with the same bracelet at a little Cusco market so we bought it for each other to exchange tomorrow. Jax also bought me the best birthday present! Hopefully I can post a picture of it when I receive it tomorrow (I was with her when she bought it.) This weekend we are going to Pono and Lake Titicaca. Quite the name, huh? Haha. Well it supposed to be a super cool lake and have some sort of floating islands and indigenous people. I´ve heard about this place from when Travis went there but I am excited to see what Lake Titicaca holds in store for us this weekend! Well that´s all for now, read my (also lengthy) personal update if youre wondering how I am doing emotionally. Much love to you all! Please email me at jenireton1989@gmail.com , I would love to hear how your lives are going! Muah!

Dayton and I swimming in the AMAZON! 

Jax and I, before my 21st BIRTHDAY dinner :)

Grieving in a foreign country

Originally written: June 29, 2010

"Plaza de Armas" in Cusco, Peru

So you want the raw, the real, the unedited, uncensored life and emotions of Jen in Peru? Beware, what you read may bring you to tears and I advise you to read at your own discretion. As I finish out my second week in Cusco, I look back and ponder upon the means in which my life has come to be under these circumstances. Not a moment goes by that I don´t miss my dear mother and wonder how she is doing in heaven. I know she is rejoicing with Jesus and bowing at the foot of our Lord, but sometimes that´s just not enough to fix my broken heart. There is no place I´d rather be right now that in the arms of the woman I looked up to and adored, in the arms of my mother who knew just how to make everything better. Sometimes when I´m homesick here, I reach for my phone to send her a text, and then realize I neither a. have texting here nor b. have the ability to send a text to heaven I lay awake at night and wonder how in the world I am going to live without my mom. It´s a surreal experience as I let my mind wander through the memories that she left me with. I continue on to thinking about the days that my brothers and dad are experiencing at home without her there. Do you know what this feels like? It´s as if a part of me has gone, has left this earth and I´m walking around with only half of my body. Where is my soul? Where is my love? Where is my life? And then come the tears, like a stream of rushing water crashing down upon solid rocks. Except those solid rocks (my body) turns into mush and my limbs feel like limp spaghetti. The only thing left to do at this point is sleep and dream of the days when I walked hand in hand with my mom down the streets that once upon a time were lined with gold and silver. Where do I go from here? What is left to live for when the one person who held my live together and knew me better than I knew myself has vanished, has literally disappeared from my life? Yet her room, her wardrobe, and her work piles are remain the same as if she was just here yesterday… As I allow myself to revisit the days of early May. I go back the hospital; I go back to the times of when I kissed her hands or the sweaty coating of her forehead as she lay in a comatose state, I can´t help but let my tears flow. It´s a surprise that my pillow has dried itself out after the gallons of salty tears that it has soaked up night after night in this foreign country. My alarm sounds and I am brought back to consciousness. I lay in bed contemplating whether or not I have enough strength to face the world today… And then I remember the one whom I have abandoned. My holy Savior, my Jesus, my Lord. I get up the strength to reach for my bible. Honestly by this point I´m not sure if my soul is more weary from distress or from forgetting the One in which I have found new life. “O lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name…. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” –Psalms 30. And then I have the ability to get out of bed, to get dressed and eat breakfast, to bring myself to school, and to go through the motions. Once I begin going through the motions, I call upon my God and ask him for strength. I ask for kindness and gentleness and mercy to heal my heart. I ask for forgiveness to wash over my actions that put my Lord on the backburner. I ask for more strength and I ask God to heal my broken heart. As the days progress, I see myself turning back to the Lord for help and for stability because I feel like my heart is on the edge of a steep cliff – almost ready to plunge downward. And He is always faithful. I have my breakdowns and my emotions are raw, but my God has been by my side continually, even when I pushed him away. I have come to a crossroads. Here I face a decision of putting a guard up around my heart, keeping the love from my friends, family, and even God at a secure distance. Or I can draw near the breast of God, allowing him to comfort me and uphold me. I want to continue to open my arms to the love that flows in from everyone around me, but it is hard. I ask the Lord to break down any guards that I start to build around my heart, and I ask him for joy and to be able to rejoice in the day that I have been given. As my friends, I also want to ask you to continue to pour love on me. I have been blessed beyond belief with a wonderful group of friends who continue to be by my side. I ask that if you see me upset, to just put an arm around me and give me a hug. I ask that you pray for me that I would be strengthened by the Lord as I continue my journey in Cusco, Peru. I ask that you would pray for my immediate family and extended family and the close friends of my dear mother who are all learning to cope with the loss of the precious Terri Ireton. And lastly, I ask that you continue to shower love upon those in your life who mean the most to you. Never let a day go by that you don´t give a hug or a smile or a loving word to those who have helped you become the person you are today. Life is short, and I´m off to enjoy it, knowing that the loving, strengthening, comforting arms of my Savior Jesus Christ are wrapped around me. Love to you all.

Preparation for a new nation! (and the struggles that come with leaving)

Originally written: June 10, 2010

It's a beautiful Thursday morning in San Luis Obispo. A few hours ago I awoke to the sound of roommates downstairs and birds chirping outside my window while the bright morning sun shone through the cracks of my curtains. As I laid in bed enjoying the last few days of the morning sounds in this house, I started to realize how soon I would be leaving the country! Friday night will be my San Luis Obispo goodbyes and Monday night will be my San Diego goodbyes as I head to LAX for departure. Talk about a surreal feeling - a mixture of excitement, anxiety, fear, and unknown emotions roll through my body, coming and going like intense waves crashing on the shores of Wind and Sea, as I prepare to leave the ones I love for six weeks.

Daniel, me, Mom, Thomas, Dad, and Grandpa at T's ROTC graduation

Six weeks, you say? Not that long, right? Well for a homebody, it's a bit nerve-wracking. Six weeks can go by in the blink of an eye though. It is only a few days shy of six weeks since I rushed home from Cal Poly to visit my mom in the hosptial. Little did I know, because six weeks from that moment my life would be dramatically different. That week, after my mom was admitted to the hospital, she was diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread to every part of her body and had even reached her brain. I stood in disbelief that my beautiful, strong, coragoeus mother could be seriously, truly laying in a hospital bed in front of me, suffering from such an overpowering disease. She never left the hospital, not physically at least, until May 7, 2010 at 11:15pm when the good Lord carried her soul in His arms from this earth to Heaven, a realm of life that is so out of this world that we cannot even begin to comprehend. As my brother, Daniel, said, "goodbye Mom. we shall miss you terribly. but we know youre in a better place, enveloped in the arms of Jesus, the arms of Love."

Easter Sunday 2009 in Avila Beach, San Luis Obispo, CA

It all happend so fast, no one could believe the breast cancer diagnosis, the doctors saying the window of opportunity for treatment had passed, the nurses saying they would make her as comfortable as possible, the last kiss I gently placed on her head, the last run of my fingers over her precious hands that were as soft as a rose petal yet told of the years of hardships she endured. As I tell people that I came back to school to take finals and in a few days I'm leaving the country, they cannot believe it - but I can. My family can, they've felt it too. The strength of the Lord has upheld me and my family in this time of hurt, pain, and sorrow. As I sit in this room and peer out the window to a world so much bigger than me and a world that holds mysteries and adventures beyond my imagination, I pray to God and thank him for the strength that He has graciously lavished upon my dad and my brothers and myself. I have a dad that has upheld me physically when I was weak and needed a hug, emotionally when I needed arms to wrap around me and a chest to weep on, and spiritually when my faith in God was confusing as I came to grips with the sickness and, soon after, the loss of my mom. My brothers, both younger yet way taller than me, have shown maturity beyond our expectaions. Each one has stepped up to take care of different roles within the house and I have given me big hugs of love when I most need them.

Mom and Dad on their 50th birthday cruise :)

So as I think about departing, I think about my wonderful family and friends that have bound together during this tough time to be by my side. My family and I have felt the hand of God upon my life through strength and comfort, which has been a direct result of so many prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf. We appreciate each and every one of you and the prayers or thoughts that have been directed our way as well as the flowers, text messages, and voicemails that bring sympathy and love. And as I think about all of this, I realize how these past six weeks have gone by so fast and I know my time in Peru will too. I am leaving knowing that I will have hard days, and knowing that I will have wonderful days, but all the while knowing that the Lord will not leave me nor forsake me, and that He will go with me to every part of Peru. I also think about how much my mom's desire to see me go to Peru has grown in the past three years since I first brought home the Peru-Study brochure from school. I see an opportunity in front of me that was 100% covered financially in a way I never thought possible, an opportunity that my mom even spoke about on her hospital bed during the last few days when words were painful to get out of her mouth, and an opportunity of a lifetime that will be both very challenging yet absolutely amazing. I have come to grips with the fact that I will be grieving whether I am in San Luis Obispo, San Diego, or on another continent like Peru. But this fact surrounds me while a sense of love knowing that the good Lord is holding my hand through this all. I love each of you so much and I can't wait to update this from PERU for you read!!! :)

Human Love

Meet my best friends. They are by my side forever and always and I can not imagine life without them. Through the good times and the really hard times, these girls have shown Christ's love to me in so many ways. I thank God for the women that He has put into my life and their positive impact on who I am becoming. (from left to right: Sam Steele, Amanda McDougal, me, Brittnie Bloom) "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." - Romans 12:15. From laughing til our stomachs' ache to crying and pouring out our hearts, our lives are all so different, yet rooted in the same: Jesus Christ. Four different girls, four different life-stories, four different testimonies to Christ's merciful love, one purpose. To love God.

Jesus said: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:12-13

We cannot fully compare the love on this earth to the love that God gives to us - because we are merely humans that mess up ALL the time - but God's love is perfect and flawless. and the love that my friends have shown to me is a reflection of God's love and how beautiful it is. Human love and these friendships help me begin to understand what God's love is like. and I am in awe. I marvel at the way I hurt God and betray Him yet He still loves me regardless of the things I do and cares for my every need.

I adore these ladies and how beautiful their souls are. I am encouraged by them everyday and enjoy each moment that I get to spend with them. As we are growing up and moving into new stages of our lives and it becomes tough to find quality time to spend together. But even though life changes, there is always room for our friendships to grow as we learn new lessons from each other. Whether 5 minutes or 1,600 miles apart, these women have a special place in my heart and in my prayers.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

so i'm here, now what?

Somehow, between the stress of finals and moving out of the apartment and raising support for santa monica, i'm still alive! YAY!!!

It's weird, this long awaited arrival finally happened. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to be challenged in my faith. I'm afraid to open up to people. I'm afraid to let go of my securities, drop my the walls I've built, and let God take over. I'm just down-right scared. But I know that it will be worth it and I know that God will transform my heart while I'm here. I don't know why I'm so shy or why I'm worried that people won't like me here - I'm surrounded by a bunch of men and women who LOVE God and love people and don't judge by outward appearrences. Yet I'm still nervous and shy!

We have these bible study groups of 5 girls and here we refer to them as our "action groups". I can already tell that these women are amazing and I'm excited to get to know them better and see how God is working in their lives!

I'm extremely home sick, but I'm praying that God will give me strength as I'm away from my comfort zone and my beautiful family that I miss so much. It's hard going through the school year looking forward to the summer and being able to share that with my family, but then BAM not going home again. It's all in God's will and He is going to use this to make me stronger. I am so blessed to be living in community with so many college kids with hearts on fire for God. Obviously I'm nervous but I'm starting to feel God giving me a peace about it, knowing that this is His plan and that He will provide for me.

"You can only be strong so long before you break" -Clay Walker

Thanks Clay, teaching me some words of wisdom through your good ole' country music :)
I think God is working on breaking me right now. I can't do this on my own, I can't be strong anymore. I need the help of God to pull me through.
With five more days until the end of my quarter, I have become a stress-case! I have no idea how I am going to pass this bio class. Each chapter is so intense and in-depth that it is impossible to learn a whole quarter of this stuff in FIVE DAYS! AHHH. And on top of that, my throat is on fire. I can't get sick during finals week, NO!!! I'm relying on God for strength and health. I've learned that I cannot do this on my own and I thank the Lord so much for being my ever-present help in times of need. The thing that God is teaching me, though, is that I need to rely on Him 100% of the time, not merely when I'm in a bind or a sticky situation. He had shown me over and over again that He is always here, I just need to look in His direction.
Coming to the end of the quarter, or rather the end of the school year, is a very scary thing. I am sad to leave. I love where I am right now, love my living situation, love my roommates, and love that I can feel secure right now. Next year, and even next week, I do not know what the future holds for me. I have been so blessed to be living with my best friends and I'm scared to step into the unknown without them. Thank goodness that I have God to hold me up and keep me strong, because without Him I am the biggest coward this world has ever known!!

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you 'Fear not, I will help you'." -Isaiah 41: 13

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." -Psalm 46:1

God has surprised me SOOOO MUCH with my support raising for summer project. He has also changed my heart around towards it. At first I kind of had a hardened heart towards raising support. I didn't want to ask people for money - maybe that was because of my pride? I didn't think that anyone would donate money - maybe that was because of my lack of faith? I thought that I would lose more money through buying envelopes, ink, and stamps than I would gain from people in support of this missions project - maybe that was because of my lack of trust. I didn't know how to pray about this, it scared everything inside of me. I had sleepless nights over this. HOW CRAZY AM I?! I have a God that I go to and ask for help, yet I can't rely on Him to provide for me? Thank goodness I had people praying for me. "It Shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." -Isaiah 65:24. The Lord began to work in my heart by humbling me so that I would be able to ask my friends and family for financial support. I began to see all the things in my life and how each one, even the small things, were gifts from God. Once I started to realize how much God has provided for me, I knew that He would come-through in this situation too. I began to pray more and more that God would just amaze me and let me experience his omnipotence through raising support. And He sure did!
I was expecting to get maybe $40 total. YEAH RIGHT! God is way bigger than $40!!! He created the ends of the earth, placed the stars in the sky, so of course he has reign over bringing me financial support. It was GOD himself who called me to this missions project, and it is God who will make sure I am provided for.

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" -Matthew 6:28-30

summer tease

Spending a few days in San Diego was such a tease!!! ah. I had a taste of summer and it was beautiful :) Spending time with friends and in fellowship and with family was exactly what I needed to calm me down. Only a few more weeks of school and I'm off to Santa Monica! It's insane how fast that came up. I saw Taylor Swift this weekend too, she was so good in concert. So was Kellie Pickler and the other opening act. (Kari & Erica took me for an early birthday present!) Found out Taylor is psychotic though haha. I just love live music and I wish there were more musical events I could go to without feeling out of place haha. I don't know a lot about music but I enjoy listening to it so much. I'm actually trying to pick up the piano again!

Once again, God surprised me. Out of allllllll the seats in the sports arena, we ended up sitting directly in front of Sam, Morgan, Jordan, and Danny. Some people were telling me this was a coincidence. How does that happen coincidentally?! I really believe that it was the work of God. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend :)

I long to live my life for Christ alone. I'm silly for thinking that I would find happiness in anything else. This weekend was absolutely beautiful, spent in the presence of an amazing friend, we experienced the breath-taking nature that God has created for us on this earth!

My support raising is going better than I thought! I don't know why I ever doubted that God would provide the money, but He has been proving me wrong! I don't have much, but it's a lot more than I thought I would raise. I'm excited to see where else God is going to work in my life.

I'm afraid yet so excited :)

First post!

yay for my first blog post :)
i finally got all of my support letters out, just have to send the last few out tomorrow and hand out some more and then it's all in God's hands, nothing i can do about it after that.
wow its a good feeling to know that God is in control.

im off to enjoy this beautiful day in SLO by doing homework. haha.
<3