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| "Plaza de Armas" in Cusco, Peru |
So you want the raw, the real, the unedited, uncensored life and emotions of Jen in Peru? Beware, what you read may bring you to tears and I advise you to read at your own discretion. As I finish out my second week in Cusco, I look back and ponder upon the means in which my life has come to be under these circumstances. Not a moment goes by that I don´t miss my dear mother and wonder how she is doing in heaven. I know she is rejoicing with Jesus and bowing at the foot of our Lord, but sometimes that´s just not enough to fix my broken heart. There is no place I´d rather be right now that in the arms of the woman I looked up to and adored, in the arms of my mother who knew just how to make everything better. Sometimes when I´m homesick here, I reach for my phone to send her a text, and then realize I neither a. have texting here nor b. have the ability to send a text to heaven I lay awake at night and wonder how in the world I am going to live without my mom. It´s a surreal experience as I let my mind wander through the memories that she left me with. I continue on to thinking about the days that my brothers and dad are experiencing at home without her there. Do you know what this feels like? It´s as if a part of me has gone, has left this earth and I´m walking around with only half of my body. Where is my soul? Where is my love? Where is my life? And then come the tears, like a stream of rushing water crashing down upon solid rocks. Except those solid rocks (my body) turns into mush and my limbs feel like limp spaghetti. The only thing left to do at this point is sleep and dream of the days when I walked hand in hand with my mom down the streets that once upon a time were lined with gold and silver. Where do I go from here? What is left to live for when the one person who held my live together and knew me better than I knew myself has vanished, has literally disappeared from my life? Yet her room, her wardrobe, and her work piles are remain the same as if she was just here yesterday… As I allow myself to revisit the days of early May. I go back the hospital; I go back to the times of when I kissed her hands or the sweaty coating of her forehead as she lay in a comatose state, I can´t help but let my tears flow. It´s a surprise that my pillow has dried itself out after the gallons of salty tears that it has soaked up night after night in this foreign country. My alarm sounds and I am brought back to consciousness. I lay in bed contemplating whether or not I have enough strength to face the world today… And then I remember the one whom I have abandoned. My holy Savior, my Jesus, my Lord. I get up the strength to reach for my bible. Honestly by this point I´m not sure if my soul is more weary from distress or from forgetting the One in which I have found new life. “O lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name…. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” –Psalms 30. And then I have the ability to get out of bed, to get dressed and eat breakfast, to bring myself to school, and to go through the motions. Once I begin going through the motions, I call upon my God and ask him for strength. I ask for kindness and gentleness and mercy to heal my heart. I ask for forgiveness to wash over my actions that put my Lord on the backburner. I ask for more strength and I ask God to heal my broken heart. As the days progress, I see myself turning back to the Lord for help and for stability because I feel like my heart is on the edge of a steep cliff – almost ready to plunge downward. And He is always faithful. I have my breakdowns and my emotions are raw, but my God has been by my side continually, even when I pushed him away. I have come to a crossroads. Here I face a decision of putting a guard up around my heart, keeping the love from my friends, family, and even God at a secure distance. Or I can draw near the breast of God, allowing him to comfort me and uphold me. I want to continue to open my arms to the love that flows in from everyone around me, but it is hard. I ask the Lord to break down any guards that I start to build around my heart, and I ask him for joy and to be able to rejoice in the day that I have been given. As my friends, I also want to ask you to continue to pour love on me. I have been blessed beyond belief with a wonderful group of friends who continue to be by my side. I ask that if you see me upset, to just put an arm around me and give me a hug. I ask that you pray for me that I would be strengthened by the Lord as I continue my journey in Cusco, Peru. I ask that you would pray for my immediate family and extended family and the close friends of my dear mother who are all learning to cope with the loss of the precious Terri Ireton. And lastly, I ask that you continue to shower love upon those in your life who mean the most to you. Never let a day go by that you don´t give a hug or a smile or a loving word to those who have helped you become the person you are today. Life is short, and I´m off to enjoy it, knowing that the loving, strengthening, comforting arms of my Savior Jesus Christ are wrapped around me. Love to you all.
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